You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
