There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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