I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Randomize
