Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
