Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
