I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
