im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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