i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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