I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
