I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
