I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I made him laugh his dick is mine
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
