Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
