She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
