We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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