I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
