I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
