just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
