My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
