sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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