Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
