he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
