i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
