he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
