I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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