the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
