Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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