i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
