woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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