I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Randomize
