I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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