her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You pole danced in your parka.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
