I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize