Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
