I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
