I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
