I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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