I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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