I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
