chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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