i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Everything about him screamed your future.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
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