She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
