So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize