life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
