the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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