please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
