my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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