and you said cock pushups were impossible
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
