Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
