You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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