shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
