do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
