That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Randomize
