you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
