I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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