I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
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