I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
