her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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