How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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