have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
