he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
