There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
